Silence isn’t always Golden…

If you ask anyone that knows me, quiet is not a word they would use to describe me. In fact, they would use every word opposite of quiet. But lately I’ve  been quiet when it comes to the things that matter. It’s been over 4 months since my last blog post, over 4 months since I last thought I had something to say. I kept thinking that I had nothing interesting to say, so why say anything at all. The truth is I was silent because I was hurting and I couldn’t let anyone know. 

For the most part I am a pretty open person. Ask me anything about myself and it will take me an hour to explain why purple is my favorite color. I love to talk. I especially love to talk about my self. But when it comes to the big stuff, no one has a clue. It’s  hard for me to be vulnerable. To me it’s a sign of weakness, not strength. “Why did I do that? Why do I say stupid things? Why can’t I control myself?” Everyday I deal with a moment of weakness and I always beat myself up about it. Why couldn’t I just be better? Now I know we can all beat ourselves up from time to time but this is bigger than that. This is a constant thought of how I’m not good enough. I put on a smile everyday but in my head I just keep wondering when someone will see right through me and see how pathetic I really am. 

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that I have serious self-esteem issues. Always have. The thoughts in my head have become deafening at times, and I always felt to powerless to do anything about it. Even having all the tools to fight means nothing if you don’t pick up the sword. I have all the tools, and now it’s time for me to start fighting. 

A few weeks ago I was ready to throw in the towel. I wanted to leave and run home where I thought it would be safe. But ever since I started having those thoughts, God keeps giving me a reason to stay and fight. Friends who have become my family. Churches and spiritual leaders who are here to help guide me. A change in my perspective. All tools I need to start fighting back against the enemy in my head. This past week especially has been crazy good and for the first time in my life I truly feel like the power and love of God has never been stronger in me. And it all started because I broke my silence. 

I told my story. I let people in. I finally said out loud everything that has been holding me down. It was really scary. The first time I told someone, it took me an hour of sobbing before I could finally get it out. The flood of emotions washed over me:  guilt, shame, weakness, feeling pathetic and useless, and most importantly -Unforgiveness. I was so broken. 

I Praise God for the tools he gave me ever since that first night. Friends – who encouraged me, gave me hope, and gave me words of wisdom to keep in my head. Churches and spiritual leaders – where I can be filled with Him over and over again. His word – to replace all the lies that are in my head. Piece by piece I am starting to put myself together again. 

And it all started because I broke my silence. I never understood the power of a testimony. I always knew how empowering they could be for others, but never the power it would be for myself. The biggest reason it has helped is because I am no longer letting those lies have power over me. When I can finally admit all the lies I believe, I can finally hear God tell me how wrong  I am (in the most loving way possible). I am finally able to start forgiving myself. I am finally able to see myself the way God does. Little by little, I am getting there. Healing is a process. But I know that I am on the right path. This isn’t my whole story,  not even close. This is just one chapter of my story. One day soon, I’ll be able to tell you everything .  So stay tuned…

Did you miss me…

Something I hate to admit is that this question is always on my mind. For so long, I was (sometimes still am) dependant on what people thought about me. Do I look good? Do you care how my day was? Did you miss me? Wanting people to care about you is not a bad thing. Having your thoughts, feelings, and self worth be dependent upon them is.

I still struggle with this everyday. In fact as I’m writing I wonder if anyone actually reads this (bonus points if you do 😉). I wonder if my friends are really my friends or if they just hang out with me because they can’t get rid of me. I wonder if anyone would notice if I didn’t come around anymore or if they notice when I’m sad. It’s hard dealing with these feelings, even harder to get rid of them. There have been days where I become consumed with these thoughts and it brings my whole mood down. I start to do and think things that I don’t want to. It’s a swirling staircase straight down to rock bottom. I want to get off. I need to get off.

These are the days that I THANK God for His love and mercy on my life. Without it, I can only imagine how dark and depressing my life could be. I’m still working on getting in the habit of going to God, but when I do those fears and thoughts of worthlessness just disappear. So I like to remind myself of a few things.
1. I am loved.
2. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
3. God is always with me.

When you feel alone,  just go to God.  He’s always there and loves to listen to you.God thinks you are beautiful.  God cares how your day was.  God misses you! That’s all that should matter.

Much love and many blessings!

The Daughter of…

When I was saved, the first thing I wanted to learn was what that meant (kind of obvious right). So I began to examine my identity in Christ, because through my salvation I became a new creation, a child of God.

But what did it mean to be a child of God? Who was God as a Father to me? This was a toughie. For the longest time I looked to God more as a disciplinarian rather than the loving father that he is. Rather than living in all the good that God provided, I focused on all that he did not provide. Sure I was aware of my blessings and gave Him praises for them, but I always wanted more, because I thought I was lacking more. I struggled for so long to turn to God as my Father, my comforter, my provider. And it all steamed from my relationship with my earthly father.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love my Dad. He is the best and is a constant support in my life. But I didn’t always feel that way. My dad left when I was little, not because he didn’t love me or didn’t want to be around but because he wanted to provide a better life for me which meant moving away for better opportunities. While I can understand that now as an adult, I most certainly wasn’t able to understand that as a child. All I knew was that my dad had left me and I didn’t know why. I felt abandoned and carried that feeling with me most of my life. Abandonment can really mess with your head and it began to affect my relationships with other friends and family, most importantly it affected my relationship with God. I clung to people who showed even the tiniest bit of interest because I craved it. I changed who I was so more people would like me and what to be my friend. Then when it mattered the most, I was unable to truly connect with the people who loved me unconditionally, including my dad.

I will never forget the night that God broke that stronghold in my life. During a moment of worship, as our young adults group was being prayed over by our pastors, God reached out to me. He removed the chains over my heart. I felt an instant release then such comforting pressure. I felt arms wrap around me and just hold me tightly. I remember looking up to see who it was but nobody was there. In that moment I heard the most gentle whisper, “I’ve got you”. Then came the waterworks. I had never cried like that before (and it didn’t help that I had face paint all over and ended up looking like a sad clown). For this moment of time I felt safe, loved, cherished, overwhelmed, joyful, and so many more emotions I just couldn’t process it all. Never in my life had I felt such love radiate throughout my entire body, and to know that it was God changed everything.

By His grace, I was able redefine my relationships with others and set health boundaries. I no longer looked to others for love and approval but instead gained all my worth from God. And I was finally able to begin to repair my relationship with my dad. God had healed my heart and I was able to see Him as the Good Good Father that He is! Knowing who God is as your Father is the first step in living your life in Christ. After that everything else seems to fall into place. Life is still a process of learning and improving but knowing where to start allows you to make sure you are on the right path.

 

Much Love and Many Blessings.

 

(P.s. I love this song and it’s one of the best to just mediate on know God as a Good Father. Enjoy!)

Introducing…

My name is Alicia and this is my journey.

I started this blog as a way to connect with others as I disconnected from the world. I know that seems confusing but that’s usually how my thoughts work. I got to a point in my life where nothing seemed like it was working. Sure I had a good group of friends, a good job, and a good following on social media. But that was my problem. Everything was just good. I was tired of settling for just good, I wanted extraordinary! I was tired of my life being the same old same old. I was tired of pretending that my life was working, when the truth was thing were never as good as they appeared.

One night I was reading a book and it asked the question “Can you recall a time in your life where you completely surrendered to God, even if only for a little while?” The more I thought of it, the more I realized that I couldn’t give an answer. I couldn’t remember a time where I had completely, 100%, without a doubt, surrendered to God. Thus the root of my problem. I was only living a good life…because I had not given myself to God completely and I had not opened myself to the abundance of extraordinary that he has for me. So I decided to make a change.  I completely disconnected from the world (i.e. social media) so I could reconnect with God.

While I’m still getting to where I need to be, I can’t help but feel the need to share my adventures and lessons that I learn with anyone who is willing to listen. Insert blog here…

I’m hoping this site will encourage you in your journey of life, wherever God may be leading you. And while I would never call myself an expert, I am always here to help so please feel free to connect with me via the Contact page. I would love to hear about your own adventure.

Much love and many Blessings!